Sunday Nights

Sometimes on Sunday nights, I have a hard time.  I think of all the things we didn't do, all the times I needed a break from what was going on around me....all the stuff we could have been doing, but didn't, for whatever reason.

Tonight is one of those nights.  I start longing for the days that my babies were actually babies.  When I could just hold them and stare at them all day and night.  And I had an excuse to not be doing anything else...holding them and loving them was more than enough to fill the hours of our day.

Neva seems so big to me, at times.  Almost grown up, sometimes.  Like today.  We were driving back from Target and she said, "Did you know that all moms and dads don't care what their children look like?  They all think their children are the most beautiful."  I asked her where she heard that and she responded that she had just been thinking it for awhile and wanted to say it.  I nearly melted right there on I-70.

She also had her first sleepover this weekend, which seems like such a big kid thing to do.  She was awesome about it.  They went right to bed without a fuss at all.  And woke up requesting pink pancakes with sprinkles.  You got it, ladies.

And then there's Oliver.  He's hysterical and so sweet at the same time.  He just kills me sometimes with how dang cute he is.  Of course, I'm biased.  He knows how to make us laugh and totally uses that to his advantage...to get out of "trouble".  But he knows how to be sweet.  If I sneeze, he says "bless you, mama".  If I'm upset, he will come over and hug me and ask me if I'm okay.  He loves to tell everyone, especially big sister, that I'm his mama.  Which may be partially to get a rise out of her.  Regardless, I love it.  And I love him.

These moments, these days.  They go so fast.  I feel like I can't hold on to them.  I write things down, but I'm also starting to forget.  It kills me.  I wish you really cold bottle that smell of your own babies when they are brand new and tiny.  I wish I could remember Neva's tiny voice from toddlerhood.  I wish for those sleepless nights when I could just hold them, nurse them and rock them for hours on end.  Okay, I don't miss all of the aspects of having a newborn, but man....I miss a lot of them.

It is so painfully joyful to watch your babies grow up.  I love everything about it.  I wouldn't trade it or them for anything in the whole wide world.

Except for maybe one hot, quiet meal.  Where I get to eat first.  

One year later

So it has officially been a year since I have written anything.  To say that life has been chaotic in the last year would be a gross understatement.  

Oliver is 2!  And quite possibly the sweetest, most handsome and funniest little man I have ever known!  We are having so much fun getting to know him.  And I have to admit that I really love this "momma's boy" phase we are in right now.  He loves to be held and snuggled and will give endless hugs and kisses, well at least to me.  He loves to make people laugh!  He has also become slightly obsessed with surfing and riding a skateboard and will pretend to do this ALL THE TIME.  It's hysterical!  I still don't have a clue where that blond hair and blue eyes came from...but he sure gets what he wants with those big baby blues!

He sure does love his Bob Marley shirt!

Neva has had an awesome summer attending Beyond the Bell camp, taking tennis lessons and getting a super sweet tan...how I miss those days!  She just started first grade (gasp!!) and is beyond excited to be SO big!  She will be turning 6 in a few weeks and just can hardly stand that her birthday is taking SO LONG to get here!  She loves making art, writing, reading, playing with any kind of doll, dressing up, dancing and singing.  She's in a camp at the local Center for the Arts on Fridays and I can't wait to see what new arts she falls in love with!  So far, clay is the winner!

She loves her sponge rollers...

All ready for her 1st day!

I recently turned 35 and it makes me want to throw up!  I have enjoyed the big birthdays up until this point, but this one is proving to be a challenge to swallow.  I am aware of every single wrinkle that is making it's way on to my face.  I am aware of all the sagging and drooping that is starting to occur, regardless of how hard I work my body to keep things tight(ish) and off the ground.  

I look at my growing, thriving, beautiful kids and realize that they are not babies anymore.  And if they are getting older, that means I am also getting older.  Time is just going way too fast...and sometimes it is really hard to remind myself to slow down and enjoy it.  With the insanity of all that goes on during the regular day-to-day, I often lose sight of what is really important.  But man, those kids are it!  And I love them more than I ever imagined!

This is HARD

We are prepping for a new adventure at the Brotherson household and I am finding it harder than I ever imagined.

Little Miss Neva starts kindergarten next week.  

Where in the world did the last five years go?  How are we here already?

We've bought back to school supplies and our back to school shoes.  We've walked to the school to see the posted list and find out who her teacher will be.  We've scheduled a trip to do a little clothes shopping so that she can feel confident in her new duds on her first day of school.

I've had lots of "moments" over the past few days where I just start crying.  I cannot believe my sweet baby girl is heading to kindergarten.  I know she's ready.  I'm just not sure I am.  

I'm trying to think back through the past 5 years....did I do enough?  

Did we play enough?  

Did I hug and kiss you enough?

Have I told you that I love you enough?  

Did we have enough Mommy and Neva time? 

Did we cuddle enough?

Will these precious first years ever feel like they lasted long enough?  

The newborn phase is long behind us.  Yet I remember it like it was yesterday.  Holding you for the first time was one of the best moments of my life.  You were the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen.  I will never forget your sweet dimples that have now faded, your dark brown hair that has been lightened by the sun and the sweetest little baby sounds ever.  You grew quickly into infancy and into toddlerhood.  Right before my very eyes, yet I hardly noticed.  You are no longer my baby and you are on your way to a brand new adventure!

I cannot believe that we are here and next week you will be starting kindergarten.  

Where's that slow-mo button for real life? 

I'm struggling.

New Year

What I love about the start of the new year, is precisely that, it's new.  A chance to start something new, to say goodbye to a crappy year, to start fresh.

In reality, it seems that the beginning of a new year is a lot harder than we usually anticipate.  Anniversaries of loved ones lost, seeing families suffer the loss of babies and other family members...it seems to happen more often than not. 

We put so much emphasis on starting over, getting a re-do at the past year.  Yet that never really happens.

That's the funny thing about life, I'm learning.  You don't get a re-do and you don't typically get a fresh start.

A few night as I was up with Oliver and feeling a bit frustrated that my 7 month old is still nursing at night, I had a realization.  He's much closer to being done with these night-time feedings than I'd care to admit.  Yes, I'd love a solid 8+ hours of sleep, don't get me wrong.  But at the same time, I'm going to miss this one on one time with him more than I'd care to admit.  And once he's done nursing at night, I know I don't have a tiny baby anymore.

It's becoming more and more obvious everyday that he's not so little.  He's army crawling all over the house, has sprouted 2 teeth in the last week, is talking as much as he can and will eat just about anything that he can! 

And the next night, I was annoyed that after our 30 minute bedtime routine that Neva had called me back into her bedroom.  However, she just said, "Mom, did you forget your hair clip on my table?"  She was being so sweet and thinking of me.  And I was annoyed because I had just gotten downstairs to get my evening workout done. 

It's becoming glaringly obvious to me that she is also not so little anymore.  The second Oliver was born, she all of the sudden seemed like a little grown-up.  She has pretty much always talked like a grown-up, but it just continues.  And the sweetest little soul, I have possibly ever seen.  The other day, a little girl came to our daycare provider's house to cut her hair to donate to Locks of Love.  Neva was curious about it and had a million questions, as she is a lover of long hair and doesn't really appreciate a cute bob.  Upon learning that the hair would be made into a wig to help a sick little girl who has lost her hair to cancer treatment, she became very quiet.  When I arrived to pick her up, she burst into tears and continued that way for a good 20 minutes.  She now also wants to chop her hair off and donate.  Slay me. 

I am just so amazed and grateful for these two little lives who have joined our family.  In my eyes, they are absolutely perfect.  The amount of love I have for both of them is unbelievable at times. 

 

My heart is so full right now, yet I struggle.  I find myself getting mad about this and that.  Raising my voice when really I should be lowering my whole body to get down to their sweet level and really find out what's going on.  Guilty that I'm not enjoying every single second, even though I know that's impossible, as I think about how it could be so different. 

In 2015, my goal is simple.  Enjoy life.  Live every moment as if it's the only one.  Love those around me and hold them close. 

Bring it, 2015. 

11 weeks

Our little man is almost 3 months old!!!!  Time is FLYING!

He loves to sleep!  During the day he is awake for about 2 hours max!  It's nice to have such an easygoing newborn, but makes me feel like I don't get much of a chance to know him!  He also sleeps great at night, waking 1-2 times each night.  And he's so quick to eat, that it only takes about 20 minutes!  Amazing!

He has found his voice and loves to scream!  We went to a parade on Saturday and he screamed the entire time!  He is happy as a clam when he does this, it's hysterical!

He is enjoying tummy time more and more everyday!  It's so sweet to watch him and Neva do some tummy time together...again, she's an awesome helper!

He is also doing great with holding his head up and is becoming less and less of a bobble head!  He really doesn't need help with his head at all these days!  Strong little guy to hold up such a big head!

He has started to bat at some toys and especially loves the squirrel and raccoon on one of his bouncy chairs.  We also received a mobile that you can clip onto chairs and car seats...he loves this!  And yells at it while he's playing with it!

He is a very happy and easy-going kid.  He only gets mad when he is tired!  He usually wakes up by squawking or screaming, and very rarely will he resort to crying.  It is pretty unbelievable! 

 

 

Four!

I cannot believe that my baby girl has turned FOUR!  Where in the world is the time goin?!?!?

I have been a mess of emotions this past week...both of my babies are in daycare full time,  I miss them terribly all day, every day.

The school year has started and Neva is in her last year of preschool! Her first day back was apparently not great. When I picked her up last Wednesday and asked how her day was, she responded, "I don't want to talk about it."  That will rip a mama's heart into a million pieces.  She went on to tell me later that nobody wanted to play with her and that someone pushed her.  Not how you want the school year to start!

And last Thursday, she turned four.  I don't even know how that's possible. It still feels like she was just joining our family.  And at the same time it feels like she will be moving out any minute.  She is getting so big and it's happening so fast.

I have been having a very hard time with all of this recently.  I feel like time is just slipping and all these precious moments are going by so quickly.  I feel like I didn't enjoy her infancy as much as I should have, as it was just so hard to adjust to bringing a baby into the world.  I am just feeling lots of regret and absolutely heartbroken that my baby isn't going to be a baby for much longer.

She's becoming a daddy's girl. It's so sweet to watch and to hear her say that she's going to marry her daddy when she gets bigger is just too damn cute.  But I also miss the days where I was the center of her universe.  She is able to play by herself very well and for very long periods of time.  She just doesn't need me as much anymore.  It's so hard.

I miss her littleness.  I miss her snuggles in the middle of the night that comes along with having a small baby.  Things are changing and I'm having a hard time adjusting.

But my big girl is four!  And while it is hard, I know that it also comes with all sorts of new adventures for us!  More dance classes and other hobbies will start soon.  She's old enough to really do stuff with, which is fun!  She and I have talked about going to get pedicures....we're just going to have to go do it SOON!

She is hysterically funny right now, which is awesome!  She loves to tell knock-knock jokes and even knows a few funny ones!  She has the most amazing imagination I have EVER seen.  She can keep herself entertained for long periods of time...I have never seen anything like it!!! 

She is an amazing helper!  She loves to clean with us, especially the doors and windows!  And she is amazing at helping with her little brother.  She will always grab a diaper or a burp rag...or whatever else may be needed.

She is just one amazing child and I can't wait to see what comes next in her life!!!!