Seriously...

I got up with my alarm this morning at 5:15am and headed down to the garage to bust my ass.  I've been working out more regularly over the past six weeks.  I've gotten some customized workouts from this fit li'l mama in Texas including cardio, abs and weight training.  I do her awesome (hard) workouts at least 5 days/week, belly dance at least once a week and have a rest day here and there.  To say I've been busting my ass is an understatement...in my opinion.

I haven't had much success...yet, but I'm trying to stick with it.  The scale isn't budging and I'm contemplating throwing the damn thing in the trash.  Everyone says to take measurements rather than concentrate on the number on the scale.  Maybe I'll have Eric just hide it from me and only weigh-in on a weekly basis or something...rather than periodically throughout the day.  That can't be healthy.  Anyways, to say that I've been annoyed with the results I've seen....again an understatement.

Today, as I was getting dressed, I knew that my wardrobe choice was iffy.  A maxi dress with a short cardigan on top.  This dress is so comfy and pretty cute, I think.  But I know that I wore it during my pregnancy with Neva and during those first few weeks postpartum.  I know how it makes my body look.  But today?  Today I felt good in it.

Then I got to work.

And someone asked me the dreaded question, "Are you pregnant?"

It took everything I had not to start crying right then and there.  What did I do instead?  Laughed (uncomfortably) and started to make a joke about it.  He didn't mean it.  He had no idea.  He also has no idea how that can make someone feel and what a funk he has put me in for the rest of the day.  He also doesn't know that we've been trying for months and so far, no success.

Sigh.

Happy Monday.

Thursday

I've had a lot of hard days recently.  Yesterday, Thursday, was a challenge for sure.

This job isn't always easy.  Sometimes I deal with kids who just have a small delay and we want to get them caught up.  Sometimes I work with kids who are born with a diagnosis, who may need support for their entire life.  Other times, I deal with super sick kids.

I recently had a child come on my caseload with a very grim prognosis.  Not supposed to make it to birth, not supposed to leave the hospital, not supposed to make it 2 weeks, not supposed to make it to his first birthday.  But, he was beating these milestones and so we got to work with him.  He was a super strong little guy and his family is amazing.

But....he lost his battle at less than 6 months of age.  And yesterday I went to his funeral.  Unfortunately, that is a very real part of my job.  I've been to too many funerals where the caskets are smaller than you can imagine.  Honestly, they shouldn't even make caskets that small.  It's just heartbreaking.  One year, I went to 4 funerals for children on my caseload.  Rough.

Funerals are always sad.  You can always hear the occasional sniffle and watch as friends and family wipe away a tear.  But a funeral for an infant?  There are more tears and sniffles than you can imagine.  Yesterday was no exception.  I like to think that I can keep my composure and be strong during these times, but I was crying yesterday, too.  And felt an ache within.  Funny how that has changed since becoming a Mom myself.

As the service started, this sweet little baby was wrapped in blankets and handed to his mother.  She held him and looked at him and kissed him and rocked him....during his funeral.  It was heart wrenching.  And seriously, one of the most difficult funeral services that I have ever sat through.  I can't imagine being in their place right now.  How empty and sad they must be feeling at this time.  It makes my stomach turn.

Something about a funeral for a child.  It just gets you.  It makes you think about things.  How lucky I am to have my daughter.  Every single day with her is a blessing.  And I am so grateful.  So, so grateful.

Our First Easter

I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get into the Easter spirit...then I realized it was because usually Neva and I are home without Eric.  Unfortunately, he still works on the weekends....luckily, it's not on Sunday anymore.

Last night, Neva asked me about Easter.  I try to be gentle, yet honest...

In a nut shell, it went something like this.... 

Me:  Do you know why we're celebrating Easter?  Well, Neva...some mean guys thought that Jesus was lying about who he was so they hung him on the cross.  He died so that our sins, all the mean or naughty things that we do, would be forgiven.  3 days after he died, he rose again.

N:  Mom, I don't like bad guys.

Me:  Me neither, Neva.  I like good guys, like Jesus.

N:  Yea, like Spiderman.

Me:  Yep, Spiderman is a good guy.  But Jesus is like the ultimate good guy.

N:  Where does Jesus live, Mom?

Me:  He lives above the clouds, in a place called Heaven.

N:  I can't see him.

Me:  No, we can't see him.  But he's always with us.  You can talk to him anytime you need to.  If you feel scared, you can ask him to help you feel safe.  If you feel sad, you can talk to him about feeling better.  You can say sorry and ask forgiveness when we are mean to our friends.  And he's always with you, in your heart.

N:  He's in my heart?  I can feel him there!!

We put our hands over her heart and felt it beating. 

N:  That's Jesus, Mom!  He lives in my heart!  In my boobies!!!

Yep, that's our girl.  I love her to pieces.

Losing Interest...

I think I lost a lot of readers when I took a hiatus from writing on here for a bit.  My last post was read by a total of 3 people...the one before that?  19.

I had big dreams of being one of those blogs that really took off.  Others who blog may be aware of momastery of Mama Laughlin...both who have thousands of followers at this point and always have something clever to say, or a cause that they are promoting, hosting giveaways, inspiring people...and what not.  That hasn't worked out for me so far...at least not yet.

I always think I have something interesting to say, but once it gets down on paper....it usually ends up sounding rather boring or lame.  I've never been much of a writer, but I thought I'd give it a whirl when I started this blog.

I thought that pregnancy, infancy, toddler hood would all give me earth-shattering things to discuss here in blog land.  Turns out life is just more chaotic and the amazing things that fill my days are really of little interest to others.  I see that when I tell the millionth story of what Neva is up to or when only 3 people check in to see what I have to say.

Funny how what is so important to me, is so boring to someone else.  How do you not find the hilarity in Neva demanding to change dresses before leaving the house yesterday because she wanted one that "twirled more"?  How can you not understand how exhausting it is to negotiate with a 2-year-old about taking the insane amount of antibiotics that we have to give her right now to fight an ear infection?  I mean, seriously, bribing her with chocolate at 7:00 in the morning doesn't sound ridiculous to anyone else?

I love my life.  Crazy as it may be.  It makes me happy.  It's exhausting and chaotic and never goes quite as planned.  But I find it hilarious and amazing all at the same time.

But...I've learned that people don't necessarily want to hear about the daily happenings in the Brotherson household.  They want something monumental, something that we could potentially argue and debate about.....something more.

So, I'm working on it.....and I'll be back.

Time

Over the past few months, it seems as though I have completely lost track of time...and have just not been able to keep up.  There are days that I feel I'm barely keeping my head above water...

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am currently working 3 jobs and trying to be a good Mom on top of that.  Some days it all feels too much, but we've gotta do what we've gotta do.

Most days, there just aren't enough hours.  Not enough time to get in the exercise I desperately need, not enough time to snuggle and love on Neva as much as I would like, not enough time to get all of the work done that is needed...just not enough time.

So, of course, it seems to be the most appropriate time to increase my workload at my "real" job.  I'm not sure how in the world I'll have time for this.

And then there's this big upcoming belly dance performance.  I need to finish the choreography...and practice...and work on costuming...and prepare for the next session of classes.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm missing out on so much of Neva's toddler-hood.  I thought having a small baby was tons of fun, but having a toddler is even more fun.  Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of work and there is a lot of attitude in her 36 inches....but it is SO much fun.  I really need to figure out how to get paid to be a stay at home mom.  I know that is a lot of work, too...but it would make my heart so happy.

I mean, look at this kid...

At Mom's office

Fun at the park

Obviously the rug is the best blanket

Ready for her "Princess Party" a.k.a. watching the Oscars

Playing her banjo

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for a wonderful husband who will be coming home tomorrow.  He's been gone since Sunday and I'm grumpy, exhausted and ready for him to be back.  You really don't realize how difficult being a single parent is until you are in that situation.  This week has been extremely challenging with Neva...dreaming of monsters every night, not wanting to be dropped at daycare every morning, not wanting to go home with me every night...the list goes on and on and on.  I am grateful for the time that we got to spend together, although I had envisioned it quite differently in my head.  Such is life, I suppose.

I had asked my sweet husband to do a guest post awhile ago.  I had no idea how sweet it would be.  Today, I am also grateful for such kind, loving words from him...perhaps when I needed to hear them the most.  It melts my heart every single time I read it. 

Here you go...

Dear Neva,

Being my first blog post ever I thought I would chat with you about the most important thing you should be aware of.  I know, potentially very thought provoking and deep stuff….  Drumroll please…..

Your Mom’s unwavering and unconditional love for you!  

This blog, that your Mom has created, is hopefully something you will come to cherish for the rest of your life.  This is just one small example of how giving and thoughtful your Mom is.  She doesn’t take time for herself and is constantly ensuring that you are brought up in the best manner possible with the best opportunity to accomplish all the goals you will set for yourself later in life. 

I am sure you are, or will be, aware of the things mothers do that make them mothers. 

·        Preparing nourishing delicious food and often they eat it cold due to them tending to everyone’s needs

·        Reading bedtime books in the best motherly voice possible

·        Kissing little ones goodnight and reassuring them that they will greet them in the morning

·        Giving kisses to scraped knees to make everything feel better

·        Gently bathing little ones in the tub

·        Somehow brushing a child’s knotted head of hair without pulling one hair out

·        Giving hugs to help through a meltdown or tough day

All of those items above are fantastic and your Mom accomplishes them in an amazing and special way.  

What I want to make sure you know of are the things your Mom does that are not as easy see. 

·        Gave up personal comfort to bring you into the world in a way that we felt was the best way for you

·        Looks into your eyes with the warmth and care that cannot be described

·        Embraces your every hug, closes her eyes and soaks in the moment

·        Is filled with joy and admiration when you learn a new task

·        Prays for your overall well-being and safety

·        Constantly looks inward toward self-improvement to be the best Mom she can possible be

·        Relishes every moment she is with you and gives you her undivided attention

Every child should know that their mother loves them; you should also know that you have the best Mom in the world!  She will continue to do whatever she can for you. 

So next time you are in the middle of a terrible two meltdown, or later in life when you are having a teenage moment, know that your Mom’s love is unwavering.  She will love you no matter what happens and will be the best example of how to put someone else above your own needs. 

Daddy

Friday...again

I'm not so great at getting these up by Thursday.  Drat.  Story of my life, though...I've always been a procrastinator. But here I am anyways, getting it done. 

I'm thankful for humility.

That may sound odd to some, but I really feel that everyone needs a few humbling experiences in their life to keep them grounded.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a pretty great life.  But I've also had some extremely humbling experiences.  And most people I know are in a similar situation, but I know a few who aren't.  

I know you all know the type who walk around as if their s*** don't stink.  They've had very little negative life experience and everything seems to always go their way.  That's great and all and I would love to have everything I've ever wanted in life, but what does that teach you?

It teaches you that material goods are the most important things in life.  It teaches you that your appearance is more important than being happy.  It teaches you to always expect more from others and be judgmental or rude when your ridiculous standards aren't met.

Humility teaches us to love each other, to be empathetic or compassionate to those around you.  It teaches you to be grateful for things that you've worked hard for.  It teaches you to be thankful for the gifts that you are given, regardless of the monetary value of that gift. 

I don't want people to have to live ridiculously hard lives, but I don't want to watch people get whatever their little hearts desire either.  Everyone needs to be grounded, somehow, so that they can learn to appreciate what is truly important and to really be thankful.