This is HARD

We are prepping for a new adventure at the Brotherson household and I am finding it harder than I ever imagined.

Little Miss Neva starts kindergarten next week.  

Where in the world did the last five years go?  How are we here already?

We've bought back to school supplies and our back to school shoes.  We've walked to the school to see the posted list and find out who her teacher will be.  We've scheduled a trip to do a little clothes shopping so that she can feel confident in her new duds on her first day of school.

I've had lots of "moments" over the past few days where I just start crying.  I cannot believe my sweet baby girl is heading to kindergarten.  I know she's ready.  I'm just not sure I am.  

I'm trying to think back through the past 5 years....did I do enough?  

Did we play enough?  

Did I hug and kiss you enough?

Have I told you that I love you enough?  

Did we have enough Mommy and Neva time? 

Did we cuddle enough?

Will these precious first years ever feel like they lasted long enough?  

The newborn phase is long behind us.  Yet I remember it like it was yesterday.  Holding you for the first time was one of the best moments of my life.  You were the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen.  I will never forget your sweet dimples that have now faded, your dark brown hair that has been lightened by the sun and the sweetest little baby sounds ever.  You grew quickly into infancy and into toddlerhood.  Right before my very eyes, yet I hardly noticed.  You are no longer my baby and you are on your way to a brand new adventure!

I cannot believe that we are here and next week you will be starting kindergarten.  

Where's that slow-mo button for real life? 

I'm struggling.

New Year

What I love about the start of the new year, is precisely that, it's new.  A chance to start something new, to say goodbye to a crappy year, to start fresh.

In reality, it seems that the beginning of a new year is a lot harder than we usually anticipate.  Anniversaries of loved ones lost, seeing families suffer the loss of babies and other family members...it seems to happen more often than not. 

We put so much emphasis on starting over, getting a re-do at the past year.  Yet that never really happens.

That's the funny thing about life, I'm learning.  You don't get a re-do and you don't typically get a fresh start.

A few night as I was up with Oliver and feeling a bit frustrated that my 7 month old is still nursing at night, I had a realization.  He's much closer to being done with these night-time feedings than I'd care to admit.  Yes, I'd love a solid 8+ hours of sleep, don't get me wrong.  But at the same time, I'm going to miss this one on one time with him more than I'd care to admit.  And once he's done nursing at night, I know I don't have a tiny baby anymore.

It's becoming more and more obvious everyday that he's not so little.  He's army crawling all over the house, has sprouted 2 teeth in the last week, is talking as much as he can and will eat just about anything that he can! 

And the next night, I was annoyed that after our 30 minute bedtime routine that Neva had called me back into her bedroom.  However, she just said, "Mom, did you forget your hair clip on my table?"  She was being so sweet and thinking of me.  And I was annoyed because I had just gotten downstairs to get my evening workout done. 

It's becoming glaringly obvious to me that she is also not so little anymore.  The second Oliver was born, she all of the sudden seemed like a little grown-up.  She has pretty much always talked like a grown-up, but it just continues.  And the sweetest little soul, I have possibly ever seen.  The other day, a little girl came to our daycare provider's house to cut her hair to donate to Locks of Love.  Neva was curious about it and had a million questions, as she is a lover of long hair and doesn't really appreciate a cute bob.  Upon learning that the hair would be made into a wig to help a sick little girl who has lost her hair to cancer treatment, she became very quiet.  When I arrived to pick her up, she burst into tears and continued that way for a good 20 minutes.  She now also wants to chop her hair off and donate.  Slay me. 

I am just so amazed and grateful for these two little lives who have joined our family.  In my eyes, they are absolutely perfect.  The amount of love I have for both of them is unbelievable at times. 

 

My heart is so full right now, yet I struggle.  I find myself getting mad about this and that.  Raising my voice when really I should be lowering my whole body to get down to their sweet level and really find out what's going on.  Guilty that I'm not enjoying every single second, even though I know that's impossible, as I think about how it could be so different. 

In 2015, my goal is simple.  Enjoy life.  Live every moment as if it's the only one.  Love those around me and hold them close. 

Bring it, 2015.