Vicious Cycle

Lately I feel as though my life is one big vicious cycle...

Neva doesn't sleep...

Then I'm tired and exhausted...

Then I don't want to exercise....

Then my self-esteem gets a little lower...

And my energy level gets a little lower...

Then I tend to snack a bit more...

Then I get discouraged...

Then my clothes still don't fit and I still don't like the number on the scale...

I miss my sweet baby who was sleeping so long that I got 'in trouble' with our pediatrician and told to wake her up for more night feedings. I miss the sweet angel who would sleep from 7:00pm until 5:30am, wake for a snack and then go right back to bed until 7:00am. I'm not sure if it's teething or a growth spurt or if she just wants to hang out...but I miss sleeping. I am not a fan of getting up at 6:00am every single day of the week. I miss the days of sleeping until noon or napping whenever I felt like it. Eric and I often joke about what it was like to not feel tired all the time. To sleep until 11:00am.


I knew this part of motherhood, getting my body back to normal, would be a challenge.  I just didn't know it would be this difficult.  I miss the confidence I had prior to all the changes my body has endured over the last year and a half.  My self esteem wasn't great, but it sure beat where we are today.  I know, I know...I have a wonderful, sweet, beautiful baby to show for it...but I still don't like this part.  Honestly, I thought it would be a little easier.  Everyone said the weight would all just melt off, and maybe a little extra, since I'm nursing.  Well, that is a crock.  It's way harder than that!!!!  Especially since I have recently been told that I need to consume 2700 calories a day to keep my milk supply up to par.  Bleh.

I am not intending to sound all whiny, but after watching a recent Dateline with 3 year old girls talking about being fat, I have vowed to not say these things out loud...especially in Neva's presence.  So, to get it out of my system, I had to write it out.  That show was extremely disturbing...little girls making fun of each other, talking about fat tummies...did you know there is actually a diagnosis of Infantile Anorexia?  I will not raise my daughter to have body issues and low self esteem.  I want to empower her and give her the confidence that I don't have.

Sweet baby girl, please know that you are beautiful and smart.  Beauty is not measured in the size of your waist or the number on a scale.  It is measured by what's on the inside...and I promise to raise you to recognize that and not worry about the rest.  And I, in turn, will work on accepting what my shell looks like and focus mostly on what's on the inside.