Returning

I have officially returned to work. 

And it blows.

I'm so grateful that I get to bring Oliver with me for a little while, but man....I miss that little girl SO much.

Being back at work today comes with gobs of regret.  I feel, in some ways, I wasted my maternity leave.  But the regrets aren't coming from my time with Oliver.  It's his sweet big sister.

I regret not waking her up to see her brother being born.  It was 3am and I wasn't thinking too clearly...but I'll probably regret that one forever.

I regret every single time I logged on to my computer to check emails, do a little work, whatever.

I regret every time I got on my phone to check facebook, emails, texts, etc.

I regret every time I told her to wait because I was doing any of the above...or a million other things.

I regret not playing dollhouse every time she asked me to.

I regret not spending more time outside, as I often felt I had my hands SO full.

I regret being terrified of leaving the house with 2 kids and not doing more fun stuff.

I regret the times I asked her to move away because she was just hanging on me after I'd had a newborn attached to me all morning. 

I'd kill to have her hanging on me right now. 

But...I am so grateful, too.

I am grateful for all of the additional snuggles during a morning cartoon or an afternoon movie.

I am grateful for all of the princesses and fairies that we colored together.  And the letters and numbers we practiced.

I am grateful for all the time we spent cooking together.

I am grateful for the days we did nothing but snuggle and stayed in our jammies until noon.

I am grateful for the endless number of books we read, day in and day out.

I am grateful for the picnic lunches and the special lunches on the couch.

I am grateful for the huge smiles I got when we did play dollhouse or doctor or cheerleader or outside or barbies or playdough or painting.

I am so grateful that I got another 7 weeks at home with my little girl who is just getting bigger every single day. 

We had so much fun together. 

And today my heart is just breaking.  I'm so sad this summer and my maternity leave have come to an end. 

I love you both so much, Neva and Oliver.  Always have.  Always will.