Neva's 3rd Birthday

In other news....our little girl turned 3!  She is no longer a baby and definitely looks more and more like a little girl everyday!

We had a purple party in the park, where we celebrated with good friends and family!  Neva had a blast!!!  So much fun, in fact, that she didn't even eat the purple cupcakes that she requested for her party!  

And her actual birthday, she got to start preschool!  She absolutely loves it!!!  It feels so weird to me because she is at the elementary school, so it seems as though she's a much bigger kid.  And that full size back-pack they have to have?  Slays me.  Every single time she wears it.  

Thursday

Since mid-July I have had 13 people that I know from high school, college, work, etc. inform me that they are pregnant.

Handling this has been much harder than I had ever anticipated.  Most of the time, I'm totally fine and excited.  But then, once in awhile, I want to cry and eat chocolate.  Right now, I'm in one of the eating chocolate (or whatever other junk food I can get my hands on) kind of moods.

It feels as though pregnancy is being thrown in my face.  It seems as though every time I get a text, see a friend, or open up blasted facebook that someone else is letting the whole world know that they are pregnant.  The ones that really get to me are the ones due the same time we would be due.  It's hard to not think "that should be me!".

I'm journaling, praying, writing the good parts of my days down...but it's hard to not go to that place where I feel sorry for myself.  On days like this, the only saving grace, is that I love to workout extra hard.  Besides drowning my sorrows in chocolate, it's the only thing that makes me feel better.

And hugging Neva.  And I get to do a lot of that right now, as Eric is on a work trip.

I mean, look at this little lady...

The Club

I've always felt like there was this club of women, a club that I had hoped to never be a part of.  Women who've had infertility issues, women who have lost children, women who have miscarried. 

Saturday morning we were ecstatic to learn that we were pregnant.  We had been trying for months.  Not charting and temping and all of that yet, but trying to have another child for about 9 months.  Since it was much easier with Neva, we were disappointed every month, with every negative home pregnancy test.  Excited, beyond excited, to learn this news.  So excited that we told our immediate families right away. 

I felt great.  I felt so good, in fact, that I went for a jog that afternoon.  I was already enjoying not being so concerned with what I was eating and celebrating with a nice dinner out with my sweet husband.  Sunday, more of the same.  I felt so good that I got up and went for a nice long walk before anyone else was even awake.

Monday morning, I was having a hard time focusing on work and already shopping for the crib and bedroom furniture.  Looking at new paint colors because if it's a girl, she might not want a green room.  Checking in on babycecnter.com to see what our little "sesame seed" was doing at 5 weeks gestation.  I called the midwife, elated to learn that she was planning to deliver babies until the end of March...and we were just within that timeline.  We had talked about supplements and what to do between now and our initial visit at the end of August.  I could barely contain myself.  

That afternoon, though, things started to change.  I started spotting a little, which is totally common in early pregnancy so I tried not to worry.  I tried to tell myself that this was all fine, a little spotting is no big deal.  It started to increase as the evening wore on, but I was trying to stay calm and not stress and continue to tell myself that everything was fine.

Early Tuesday morning, I sat straight up in bed, as it felt as though I had wet the bed.  I knew that this wasn't good news.  A little bleeding, no biggie, a lot of bleeding...bad news.  I tried to go about the morning as though this were all normal.  Continuing to keep Eric up to date with what was happening.  I called our midwife as I was driving to work and was instructed to pick up some vitamins and go home.  I hesitated taking the day off, but she made it clear that I needed to decide what was more important.  I was terrified.

I went home and slept.  I hoped that when I woke up everything would be fine.  But the bleeding continued and so did the panic.  I kept in touch with our midwife throughout the day and she informed me that it sounded like I was having a miscarriage.  I cried.  A lot.  I texted the news to all who we had just shared with a few days prior that we were pregnant.  Eric came home and we cried together.  A lot.  We had two options, to wait and see and then take another home pregnancy test in a week or so...or to have my HCG levels checked and get an answer more quickly.  I opted for the HCG bloodwork as I needed to know.

On Wednesday, I met up with our midwife for a quick blood draw.  I was hopeful, as the bleeding had slowed since the day before.  I waited and waited and never heard anything.  Between the anxiety of not knowing what was going on and the work that my body was doing, I was exhausted.  I worked almost a full day, but decided to call it quits and go home.  When I got home, I got the news that I was hoping wasn't coming.  My HCG levels were so low, there was no point in even checking them again on Friday.  It was real.  I had miscarried.  I was no longer pregnant.

This news shook me.  I called Eric and let him know.  I texted and let family know that we had in fact miscarried.  I was heartbroken.  I cried some more.  I received texts from loved ones letting me and appreciated every single message that I received.  Knowing that people were thinking of us and praying for us made me feel better. 

It's unbelievable how sad one can be, just moments or days after being so happy.  It's amazing how knowing you are pregnant for 48 hours can change your whole life.  A friend shared some good points with me and was able to put into words what I was feeling, but was unable to express.  My heart and soul had already fallen in love with this baby.  I had already been envisioning what our lives would look like come March 2014...the pains of labor, the difficulties with nursing, the sleepless nights, the falling in love with another baby.  "The loss feels much bigger than the size of the baby or the length of the pregnancy".  It's amazing how in love I already was with this baby and how heartbroken I am now that this baby has gone.  

So, as I said, this "club" that I wanted nothing to do with is now a part of my life.  I have been initiated whether I like it or not.  I'm not happy to be here, but I am grateful for the love and support that has been shown to me during this shitty time. 

Baby Mine

For several weeks now, Neva has been obsessed with ONE song from Dumbo.  I think it's her first favorite and it absolutely slays me.

Initially, she enjoyed it because it made me cry and she found that entertaining.  She would watch the same video over and over, where parts of the movie played while this heart-wrenching song played in the background.

Now, she's obsessed with learning the song.  We have to listen to it and practice singing it all of the time.  And it nearly kills me every single time.  Talk about heart melting goodness.

I mean, really.  Check out the lyrics...

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine

If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you

From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

And here's a little video that Becca got of Neva singing while playing with a mommy elephant and a baby elephant....

Seriously...

I got up with my alarm this morning at 5:15am and headed down to the garage to bust my ass.  I've been working out more regularly over the past six weeks.  I've gotten some customized workouts from this fit li'l mama in Texas including cardio, abs and weight training.  I do her awesome (hard) workouts at least 5 days/week, belly dance at least once a week and have a rest day here and there.  To say I've been busting my ass is an understatement...in my opinion.

I haven't had much success...yet, but I'm trying to stick with it.  The scale isn't budging and I'm contemplating throwing the damn thing in the trash.  Everyone says to take measurements rather than concentrate on the number on the scale.  Maybe I'll have Eric just hide it from me and only weigh-in on a weekly basis or something...rather than periodically throughout the day.  That can't be healthy.  Anyways, to say that I've been annoyed with the results I've seen....again an understatement.

Today, as I was getting dressed, I knew that my wardrobe choice was iffy.  A maxi dress with a short cardigan on top.  This dress is so comfy and pretty cute, I think.  But I know that I wore it during my pregnancy with Neva and during those first few weeks postpartum.  I know how it makes my body look.  But today?  Today I felt good in it.

Then I got to work.

And someone asked me the dreaded question, "Are you pregnant?"

It took everything I had not to start crying right then and there.  What did I do instead?  Laughed (uncomfortably) and started to make a joke about it.  He didn't mean it.  He had no idea.  He also has no idea how that can make someone feel and what a funk he has put me in for the rest of the day.  He also doesn't know that we've been trying for months and so far, no success.

Sigh.

Happy Monday.

Thursday

I've had a lot of hard days recently.  Yesterday, Thursday, was a challenge for sure.

This job isn't always easy.  Sometimes I deal with kids who just have a small delay and we want to get them caught up.  Sometimes I work with kids who are born with a diagnosis, who may need support for their entire life.  Other times, I deal with super sick kids.

I recently had a child come on my caseload with a very grim prognosis.  Not supposed to make it to birth, not supposed to leave the hospital, not supposed to make it 2 weeks, not supposed to make it to his first birthday.  But, he was beating these milestones and so we got to work with him.  He was a super strong little guy and his family is amazing.

But....he lost his battle at less than 6 months of age.  And yesterday I went to his funeral.  Unfortunately, that is a very real part of my job.  I've been to too many funerals where the caskets are smaller than you can imagine.  Honestly, they shouldn't even make caskets that small.  It's just heartbreaking.  One year, I went to 4 funerals for children on my caseload.  Rough.

Funerals are always sad.  You can always hear the occasional sniffle and watch as friends and family wipe away a tear.  But a funeral for an infant?  There are more tears and sniffles than you can imagine.  Yesterday was no exception.  I like to think that I can keep my composure and be strong during these times, but I was crying yesterday, too.  And felt an ache within.  Funny how that has changed since becoming a Mom myself.

As the service started, this sweet little baby was wrapped in blankets and handed to his mother.  She held him and looked at him and kissed him and rocked him....during his funeral.  It was heart wrenching.  And seriously, one of the most difficult funeral services that I have ever sat through.  I can't imagine being in their place right now.  How empty and sad they must be feeling at this time.  It makes my stomach turn.

Something about a funeral for a child.  It just gets you.  It makes you think about things.  How lucky I am to have my daughter.  Every single day with her is a blessing.  And I am so grateful.  So, so grateful.

Our First Easter

I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get into the Easter spirit...then I realized it was because usually Neva and I are home without Eric.  Unfortunately, he still works on the weekends....luckily, it's not on Sunday anymore.

Last night, Neva asked me about Easter.  I try to be gentle, yet honest...

In a nut shell, it went something like this.... 

Me:  Do you know why we're celebrating Easter?  Well, Neva...some mean guys thought that Jesus was lying about who he was so they hung him on the cross.  He died so that our sins, all the mean or naughty things that we do, would be forgiven.  3 days after he died, he rose again.

N:  Mom, I don't like bad guys.

Me:  Me neither, Neva.  I like good guys, like Jesus.

N:  Yea, like Spiderman.

Me:  Yep, Spiderman is a good guy.  But Jesus is like the ultimate good guy.

N:  Where does Jesus live, Mom?

Me:  He lives above the clouds, in a place called Heaven.

N:  I can't see him.

Me:  No, we can't see him.  But he's always with us.  You can talk to him anytime you need to.  If you feel scared, you can ask him to help you feel safe.  If you feel sad, you can talk to him about feeling better.  You can say sorry and ask forgiveness when we are mean to our friends.  And he's always with you, in your heart.

N:  He's in my heart?  I can feel him there!!

We put our hands over her heart and felt it beating. 

N:  That's Jesus, Mom!  He lives in my heart!  In my boobies!!!

Yep, that's our girl.  I love her to pieces.

Losing Interest...

I think I lost a lot of readers when I took a hiatus from writing on here for a bit.  My last post was read by a total of 3 people...the one before that?  19.

I had big dreams of being one of those blogs that really took off.  Others who blog may be aware of momastery of Mama Laughlin...both who have thousands of followers at this point and always have something clever to say, or a cause that they are promoting, hosting giveaways, inspiring people...and what not.  That hasn't worked out for me so far...at least not yet.

I always think I have something interesting to say, but once it gets down on paper....it usually ends up sounding rather boring or lame.  I've never been much of a writer, but I thought I'd give it a whirl when I started this blog.

I thought that pregnancy, infancy, toddler hood would all give me earth-shattering things to discuss here in blog land.  Turns out life is just more chaotic and the amazing things that fill my days are really of little interest to others.  I see that when I tell the millionth story of what Neva is up to or when only 3 people check in to see what I have to say.

Funny how what is so important to me, is so boring to someone else.  How do you not find the hilarity in Neva demanding to change dresses before leaving the house yesterday because she wanted one that "twirled more"?  How can you not understand how exhausting it is to negotiate with a 2-year-old about taking the insane amount of antibiotics that we have to give her right now to fight an ear infection?  I mean, seriously, bribing her with chocolate at 7:00 in the morning doesn't sound ridiculous to anyone else?

I love my life.  Crazy as it may be.  It makes me happy.  It's exhausting and chaotic and never goes quite as planned.  But I find it hilarious and amazing all at the same time.

But...I've learned that people don't necessarily want to hear about the daily happenings in the Brotherson household.  They want something monumental, something that we could potentially argue and debate about.....something more.

So, I'm working on it.....and I'll be back.

Time

Over the past few months, it seems as though I have completely lost track of time...and have just not been able to keep up.  There are days that I feel I'm barely keeping my head above water...

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am currently working 3 jobs and trying to be a good Mom on top of that.  Some days it all feels too much, but we've gotta do what we've gotta do.

Most days, there just aren't enough hours.  Not enough time to get in the exercise I desperately need, not enough time to snuggle and love on Neva as much as I would like, not enough time to get all of the work done that is needed...just not enough time.

So, of course, it seems to be the most appropriate time to increase my workload at my "real" job.  I'm not sure how in the world I'll have time for this.

And then there's this big upcoming belly dance performance.  I need to finish the choreography...and practice...and work on costuming...and prepare for the next session of classes.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm missing out on so much of Neva's toddler-hood.  I thought having a small baby was tons of fun, but having a toddler is even more fun.  Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of work and there is a lot of attitude in her 36 inches....but it is SO much fun.  I really need to figure out how to get paid to be a stay at home mom.  I know that is a lot of work, too...but it would make my heart so happy.

I mean, look at this kid...

At Mom's office

Fun at the park

Obviously the rug is the best blanket

Ready for her "Princess Party" a.k.a. watching the Oscars

Playing her banjo